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Aug. 25th, 2018 09:33 am* there are times i have to retreat to my bubble of security and pull it around me as tightly as i can. it helps keep the world -- both far and near -- muffled and ignorable. during these times, i distance myself from news outlets, social media, and people in general. it makes me feel like it's all going to be OK and recharges my positivity levels. the thing is, i really do think it will all be OK. one way or the other, it will.
when i do my hideaway, i always feel a bit of guilt because it seems like i'm abandoning "the fight" (which, at this point in our society, is really a bunch of different fights that we shouldn't have to be fighting because, well, we're supposedly not fucking idiots?), so i tell myself i'm just handing off the reins until i can regroup and it's OK to do that. it will be OK. it will be OK.
* her daughter is dying and she watches it, helpless and angry and utterly pissed off. and i've no right to bemoan a second of any discomfort in my life, because her daughter is dying and she watches. i catch myself over and over and over not appreciating what i have and catch others doing the same -- and how can we do this in a world where mothers are watching what she's watching? where mothers are watching worse?
i hate myself a little when i contextualize it this way, because my brain and heart work so hard to grapple with the tentacles of Real Life and to hold on to what feels like honest-to-god awareness, no matter how utterly and profoundly difficult it is -- and i can't. i can't hold on for long until my mind and heart let go and it becomes easy to breath again, easy to sip coffee and just live.
we're not that different from animals, you know. it's like our consciousness (and conscience) are nothing but a paper-thin layer above our animal selves. we seem programed to push painful and horrible things out of mind so we can just go along without feeling despair 24-7. empathy hurts.
* it's finally, FINALLY becoming a little cooler and that's a good thing. i may have screwed up the programming on my thermostat at work and will have to face consequences on monday, but i'm putting this out in the universe:
it will be FINE on monday and the air will be cool and the thermostat will be fixed.
i will manifest it. *nod*
* the child continues to be amazing and i really do like her. the growth of young woman is there in places, and she and i both find it horrifying, funny, and a bit sad. she hugs less, but when she does, it's with fathoms of feeling. i can already feel her hormone cycle floating through the air, bumping invisible sensors with gentle HEY, I'M HEREs.
i've said goodbye to many different versions of my baby; it's never easy when i really notice it and think of it.
* the horses are good and i'm riding boo now. so far, it's usually after his trainer rides him so he's pooped, but the other night, i got on and my trainer just kept me on a lead line. i was absolutely fine with that, thank you. he's a big boy, he's green, and i'm not that great a rider. (note: she says i'm better than i am. i still make myself nervous.)
i did trot on my own volition and while it felt 90% sloppy and weird, 10% felt pretty damn good.
she bought a saddle for me to try and i think we'll buy it. it's a $3500 handmade endurance saddle (i love how it's a cross between a dressage saddle and western saddle....with more english than western evident) and no, hell no, we're not paying that much for it.
we're also looking at getting a trailer to schlep the horses around. money. money. money.
hopefully, we can pull back on some costs associated with training soon.
they are the reason we're not rich. ha. :(
* boo did get his leg stuck at the top of a fence after kicking at his neighbor. thank goodness trainer and her husband were there to save him. fucking horse. xo
~~~
i don't have to do too much this morning, so i think i'm going to get back in bed for a bit and just rest. kid is riding this morning until noonish, horses are already masked and fly-sprayed, so i can be pajama woman for awhile longer.
oh. school year is going amazingly well. i LOVE my new position and am so happy this is happening for me.
when i do my hideaway, i always feel a bit of guilt because it seems like i'm abandoning "the fight" (which, at this point in our society, is really a bunch of different fights that we shouldn't have to be fighting because, well, we're supposedly not fucking idiots?), so i tell myself i'm just handing off the reins until i can regroup and it's OK to do that. it will be OK. it will be OK.
* her daughter is dying and she watches it, helpless and angry and utterly pissed off. and i've no right to bemoan a second of any discomfort in my life, because her daughter is dying and she watches. i catch myself over and over and over not appreciating what i have and catch others doing the same -- and how can we do this in a world where mothers are watching what she's watching? where mothers are watching worse?
i hate myself a little when i contextualize it this way, because my brain and heart work so hard to grapple with the tentacles of Real Life and to hold on to what feels like honest-to-god awareness, no matter how utterly and profoundly difficult it is -- and i can't. i can't hold on for long until my mind and heart let go and it becomes easy to breath again, easy to sip coffee and just live.
we're not that different from animals, you know. it's like our consciousness (and conscience) are nothing but a paper-thin layer above our animal selves. we seem programed to push painful and horrible things out of mind so we can just go along without feeling despair 24-7. empathy hurts.
* it's finally, FINALLY becoming a little cooler and that's a good thing. i may have screwed up the programming on my thermostat at work and will have to face consequences on monday, but i'm putting this out in the universe:
it will be FINE on monday and the air will be cool and the thermostat will be fixed.
i will manifest it. *nod*
* the child continues to be amazing and i really do like her. the growth of young woman is there in places, and she and i both find it horrifying, funny, and a bit sad. she hugs less, but when she does, it's with fathoms of feeling. i can already feel her hormone cycle floating through the air, bumping invisible sensors with gentle HEY, I'M HEREs.
i've said goodbye to many different versions of my baby; it's never easy when i really notice it and think of it.
* the horses are good and i'm riding boo now. so far, it's usually after his trainer rides him so he's pooped, but the other night, i got on and my trainer just kept me on a lead line. i was absolutely fine with that, thank you. he's a big boy, he's green, and i'm not that great a rider. (note: she says i'm better than i am. i still make myself nervous.)
i did trot on my own volition and while it felt 90% sloppy and weird, 10% felt pretty damn good.
she bought a saddle for me to try and i think we'll buy it. it's a $3500 handmade endurance saddle (i love how it's a cross between a dressage saddle and western saddle....with more english than western evident) and no, hell no, we're not paying that much for it.
we're also looking at getting a trailer to schlep the horses around. money. money. money.
hopefully, we can pull back on some costs associated with training soon.
they are the reason we're not rich. ha. :(
* boo did get his leg stuck at the top of a fence after kicking at his neighbor. thank goodness trainer and her husband were there to save him. fucking horse. xo
~~~
i don't have to do too much this morning, so i think i'm going to get back in bed for a bit and just rest. kid is riding this morning until noonish, horses are already masked and fly-sprayed, so i can be pajama woman for awhile longer.
oh. school year is going amazingly well. i LOVE my new position and am so happy this is happening for me.
