I hate cleaning house

[liminal_space]

we are having friends over tomorrow for d&d and i've been spending the day kind of cleaning. kind of cleaning involved cleaning and finding frequent excuses to do things other than clean -- at one point, i spent 15 minutes unknotting cords on headphones. sheesh.

there was some seriously wonderful news that i got on tuesday evening at the horse's chiropractic appointment: i am now the official "owner" of my very own horse. =D owner is quoted because i'm actually doing a half-lease. this is a very good thing since the owner is tremendously experienced, loves her horse, and this will save my headaches on "OMFG, IS SOMETHING WRONG????" moments. 

i have moments like that a lot. it's sort of like when kid was first born and i had no idea what to do with her. 

the horse is the same one i've been riding since i started lessons. his name is rafid, he's a bay thoroughbred that is the great (x5? x2? x3?) grandson of seattle slew. that's sort of impressive, but sort of not -- seems those fancy horses had lots of babies, so grand baby horses turn up pretty frequently. i've met horses purportedly directly descended from secretariate, sea biscuit, etc etc etc. whatever....horses! :)

i get 4 lessons a month with the leasing and can ride whenever i want, as long as i call and make sure it's cool -- the owner's husband sometimes takes rafid on trail rides, so there's scheduling that needs to happen. i'm GOOD with all that. super good. 

the owner also handles all farrier and standard vet expenditures, i get to use her tack, and she feeds/supplements him plus picks up after him. =D WIN WIN WIN WIN!

what was super nice is she told me how special i am -- she said she has never even contemplated sharing him with someone in a lease situation until me. =D I AM SPECIAL! happy dance was done, let me tell you.

so, that's horse news. 

i'm going to try to go pull him out tomorrow and groom him for a photo shoot. if not, it will be sunday when i ride -- i'll post pictures of himself being good horse. by summer of next year, i'm going to be an expert (beginner). *nod*

~~~

i feel like i'm letting go of some of the bile i've been clutching regarding the aunt/cousins who have taken advantage of my mother's death. there's been so much anger and resentment, deep and violent and pulsing, that it was truly affecting me physically and mentally. the feelings are still there, but they've mellowed: they don't flare and rage in the space between breaths, i actually have to fan and fuel to bring them to scorching heat. 

so, i try not to fan. i try not to fuel. 

today we got the news that the house i grew up in will be auctioned off on the 15th of august. i'm going to do what i can to make sure that there's no way those people snag that house, but it's really in the hands of the Universe and all i can do is hope and ask that they do not find a way to buy it. 

i realized earlier this morning, even before finding out it had finally made it to auction, that there are very few good memories associated with that house and that time. i'd be happiest if it was razed to the ground and the earth salted: an empty, barren lot would be quite the appropriate metaphor and, to be honest, a healing salve on my heart. 

while i wish i could go walk through one more time to say goodbye, if i am never able to do so, it won't birth a debilitating regret. 

much of the anger i had was caused by how they were getting so much for nothing, like vultures on a carcass, and there was absolutely nothing i could do about it. they have been living there for close to six months without paying a penny in rent or upkeep and the bitch inside me hopes that they haven't saved a dime and get evicted faster than you can say "generational welfare recipients." that's so mean. and if was anyone but them, i'd never think it. 

this situation seems to bring out the absolute worst in me. 

it doesn't help that i'm still angry with my mother over not keeping things in order. it also doesn't help that i'm riddled with anger at myself over not making sure things were in order for her, not caring more, not feeling more guilt and grief than i do. i like to pretend the lack of the latter is more about me being pragmatic and less about me being a broken and unfixable human. 

~~~~

but there are still live and fruitful places inside my soul; little oases of verdant green and chattering life. i know they are there, because i see it in the way others look at me, act with me, desire to be around me. i know they're there because a woman who has never let another person "share" her beloved horse shares him with me. i know because there are many times i feel as if i'm overflowing with unsinkable potential. 

as long as my monsoon season persists, all will be well.