stitched pieces

[liminal_space]

there is no normal. 

when you sit, arms wrapped around yourself for comfort, feeling terrible because you feel so terrible, remembering that normality is a fucking fallacy can sometimes be the only thing that starts lining your insides up like they should be lined up. 

since the last big snowfall, i have been experiencing a depth of the mean reds that i haven't had to deal with since before we moved here. part of it had to do with a bit of a long stretch without one of my mood stabilizers, part of it relates to the holidays (echoes of Emotionally Traumatizing Bad Things haunt me still), and the rest of it related to the sun disappearing, feeling like warm will never happen again, outside being STUPID right now, and a multitude of paper-cut severity THINGS that just dogpile as those effers are wont to do. 

medication is pretty much back on track and....

....that's the only thing that has worked itself out. 

a few weeks ago, i had this really horrible disconnect from myself where it felt like i was shutting down in protection, which made ZERO sense; my head was trying to reason with my sympathetic nervous system, but that bitch sets herself on a path and just runs with it. 

i was trying to explain to my therapist why it was so BAD, but i could tell i either wasn't conveying it correctly OR she thinks i'm just some bored broad that is creating drama to entertain herself. 

both of those things are equally possible, but i hope it's not the latter. not just that she doesn't think it, but that it's not true. 

because i have been known to stir shit for my own amusement. 

anyway, i'll get through it. messily, but through. 

in the midst of all of THE STUFF, i let go of a purveyor of toxicity and nonsense who lingered about far longer than should have been allowed. go me; active distancing is rarely my thing, so when i do it, it means things have arrived at a point where it's just...

icky. and i don't like icky feelings. 

*

we have friends coming next weekend and while that creates a few days of preparatory stress, i'm looking forward to it. we're planning on all going to bentleyville for some serious sparkly light action. 

other than that, it will be a weekend of crafts, games, and other things of the fun variety. maybe even xcountry skiing if i can find skis to rent. o.O 

 *

i've decided to change my outlook on the words "bitterly cold" — i'm going to read that, from now on, to "character building." *nod*

californians do not like. do not like at all.

*

ok. it's 8:30. time to finish up my night. 

xo

Comments

[adafrog.livejournal.com]

{{{hugs}}}
It's always the little things.
Wow, bentleyville looks very shiny.

[manue7a.livejournal.com]

[stardust1161.livejournal.com]

I think the last time I had my arms wrapped around myself was a couple years ago. I wasn’t feeling good & I was in lots of pain with body aches. I was at work & rocking myself was the only relief.

[howlin-wolf-66.livejournal.com]

[i.livejournal.com]

[kazzy-cee.livejournal.com]

Sending hugs. I hate the dark days — I have one of the daylight lamps, which helps me. 30 minutes a day, and I feel better. I didn't do well when we lived in Norway for a while, and it got light at 10.30am and dark again at 2.30pm in the middle of winter...

Hoping you can see the positive side of everything soon.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

Girl, I feel you. It sucks that you're feeling this way, and it's good that you know it's temporary. If I had any tricks to share that would make you not feel this way, I would. Except I suspect you already know all the tricks, and anyway, the best of them only work some of the time. Which you also already know. 😀

And I ❤️LUV❤️ "character-buildingly cold"!

[hazelwindows.livejournal.com]

I appreciate your description of pain of this sort. If it helps, what can feel like a profoundly oppressive view of the world can flip on it's head and disperse quite suddenly, like clouds clearing after a storm. Idk what causes that switch most of the time, but feeling better does happen :)

[one-raido.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry you're being hit by winter depression. I hope Bentlyville cheers you up. I have it as my background on my computer.

[chocolate-frapp.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. I wish I could do something to help.